


throw on a jersey, no one gets hurt

by lucashemwow



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: (kind of. he has tattoos but he's a lil flower), 18x18, Angst, Child Abuse, Depression, Eating Disorders, Feminization, Fluff, M/M, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, fem!ashton, fluffy sex, major trigger warning, punk!luke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2015-01-14
Packaged: 2018-03-02 18:00:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2821214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucashemwow/pseuds/lucashemwow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton knew he wasn't normal okay, he fucking knew it, he didn't need his father reminding him of that every goddamn day. He knew it wasn't normal to like wearing girl's clothes and makeup and just feeling pretty, but it was like an itch under his skin - he needed it, just like he needed the sharp blade in his drawer.</p><p>Maybe that was why he was close to just ending it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

  * For [merlypops](https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/gifts).



> based off the song little game by benny
> 
> [trigger warnings for this chapter: self-harm scene, mentions of child abuse, panic attacks.]
> 
> [for merlypops bc sHES AMAZING AND MY FAVOURITE AUTHOR.]
> 
>  _reminder:_ please do not post/repost any of the things i have written and posted without my permission, no matter the website or the circumstance.

 

A crash downstairs was what had Ashton jerking, sitting up in his bed, carefully listening for anything else.

A swear and another crash accompanied the first, thundering footsteps stomping up the stairs, stopping just outside Ashton's room.

Ashton held his breath, terror making his head pound even more than it was, fearful of what would happen if the door was opened.

Silence stretched on for what seemed like centuries, before the footsteps continued down the hall, slamming another bedroom door further away from Ashton's.

Ashton let out a relieved sigh, curling back under his thin, ratty blankets, struggling to escape the ever-present frost in his bones.

He was safe for another night.

;

"God Ash, you look like one of the walking dead."

Ashton slowly peeled his eyes open, blinking Michael into focus. "What?"

Calum rolled his eyes "Do you just not sleep?"

Ashton yawned, stretching out the crick in his back, leaning his head on his crossed arms, shivering at how cold he was. "I just haven't been able to sleep lately."

Michael opened his mouth to say something, but Luke pulling out the chair next to Ashton interrupted him.

The blond boy plopped himself down in the chair, stretching his legs out and propping them on the desk. "What'd I miss?" He looked at each of them, doing a double take when he saw Ashton. "What the fuck, Ash you look _terrible_."

"So I've been told," Ashton said dryly, arching an eyebrow at him.

Surprisingly, all Luke did was softly drag his fingertips over the dark bags under Ashton's eyes, an unreadable expression on his face, blue eyes hard.

"Have you even been sleeping?" he asked, an almost motherly look passing over his pretty face.

Ashton rolled his eyes, his lips parting with a massive yawn that made his jaw ache afterwards. "Yes, Daddy, I've been sleeping. Want to take my temperature too?"

"Don't be like that Ash, we're just worried," Calum gently reprimanded.

Ashton blew out a breath, ignoring the black spots dancing through his vision. "I'm sorry. There's just a lot of shit happening. I'm fine."

Luke didn't look convinced, his hand coming up to stroke Ashton's hair from his face. "Are you sure?"

Ashton nodded. "Yes, Luke. I'm fine, don't worry about me."

"Ash, we would worry about you even if you were genuinely happy and okay." Michael rolled his eyes, reaching forward to clasp the older boy's hand in his own. "Promise that you'll tell us if you need help?"

Ashton swallowed, already feeling the lie stick to the back of his throat, guilt the only thing he was able to feel, even overriding the ever present ache of hunger in his stomach and the ice in his bones. Nevertheless, Ashton plastered a fake smile onto his face, bright enough to make his friends relax. "I promise."

The bell rang, interrupting them before they could call him out on his lie, signalling that first period was about to start. Luke looked up at the clock, no doubt wondering if he was able to go out and have a smoke before class started.

Ashton rolled his eyes, hitting Luke's chest, struggling not to show how much it really hurt due to the gashes and hand-shaped bruise wrapping around his bicep. "No. You're going to class," he said sternly.

Luke gave him a small glare, standing up with a sigh. "Fine, fine." He frowned, looking Ashton up and down. "Ash, is that _really_ all you're wearing? In this weather?"

Ashton looked down at the thin long-sleeve he had on, paired with his boots and skinny jeans, a grey beanie shoved over his curls. He shifted uncomfortably. "This is all I have."

Michael's expression softened. The three of them were aware of Ashton's home status (though thankfully not what Ashton's father was like, or what he did to his son). They knew that he couldn't afford much, with him sending any money he had to his mother, to help with his younger brother and sister.

Luke looked troubled. "Why didn't you say anything? Oh lovebug, you're shaking, come here." He pulled Ashton into a hug, the warmth of his body seeping into Ashton's perpetually cold one. "Here, you're taking my jacket."

"But then _you'll_ be cold," Ashton protested weakly, already knowing Luke wouldn't take no for an answer.

Luke rolled his eyes, shrugging off his thick leather jacket, being left in a tight, thick grey long-sleeve, his tattoos showing through. "I'll be fine Ash. Here."

Ashton reluctantly took the jacket from him, sliding his arms in the material. Immediately, he felt warmer, whether that was the actual fabric or the knowledge it was Luke's, Ashton didn't know.

"Better?" Luke watched him with a knowing smile, hoisting Ashton's bag over his shoulder.

Ashton nodded, his cheeks flushing. Luke chuckled at him, reaching out to grab his hand, leading them towards their shared first period.

Ashton pressed close to Luke's side, trying to ignore the jealous glares of everyone on him, the fact that he had the popular bad boy's jacket wrapped around his shoulders with said boy's hand holding tight to his own making him a prime target, just like at home-

"Ignore them," Luke murmured in his ear, seemingly reading his thoughts as he slung his arm around Ashton's shoulders. "They're just jealous."

"Why are they jealous of _me_ though?" Ashton whispered. "Like, there's nothing to be jealous of."

Luke's eyes hardened once more, and Ashton cursed himself for making his angel like that once again.

"You don't give yourself enough credit," Luke told him quietly, his eyes staring intensely into Ashton's, mouth so close that all Ashton would have to do is lean forward and-

Ashton squirmed, aware that his thoughts were complete fantasy and were what made him even more fucked up than he already was. He tried to pull away from Luke, to let his thoughts order themselves again, but the younger boy held fast, keeping him tight up against his side.

"How am I supposed to give myself any credit when I know how disgusting I am?" Ashton mumbled, replying to Luke earlier statement as his thoughts still churned.

Luke's lips parted, his expression turning pained before Ashton interrupted whatever he was going to say, jerking his chin to the open door right in front of him. "C'mon," he said quietly. "We have class."

Luke blew out a breath, following the smaller boy into the room, staying right beside him as they walked to their seats.

Ashton completely zoned out for the entirety of the class, too aware of Luke's eyes on him as his thoughts turned darker and darker, creeping into things best left in the corners of his mind.

He flinched back slightly as a particular memory of his father's fist crashing against his face resurfaced, his teeth digging into his bottom lip to stop the cry of pain the memory brought him. He closed his eyes, bracing himself for the rest of the memory, of the kicks landed against his chest and the snapping of his ribs as his father beat him. His breath become haggard as the memory brought him so much paralysing panic he couldn't _move-_

"Breathe princess, you need to breathe," Luke murmured in his ear, his deep voice cutting through Ashton's thoughts. "C'mon babe, you just need to breathe for me, alright? I got you, don't worry."

Ashton sucked in a quick breath, coughing almost instantly, trying to muffle the sound with his palm to keep from gaining attention.

Luke pulled him closer, setting a palm on his chest, urging him to take deep even breaths, coaxing him silently with his own chest moving up and down rhythmically.

Eventually, Ashton was able to breathe correctly, his eyes closing in exhaustion. Luke looked worried (when did he not), his fingers threaded through Ashton's hair. "What happened, princess?" he murmured.

Ashton's eyes opened, his expression so _bleak_ and _empty_. He was silent, making it clear he wasn't going to say anything about what had triggered his panic attack.

Luke cursed under his breath.

Ashton was so _broken_ , and fuck he couldn't even _help_.

;

Ashton was completely silent when he let himself into his house.

He had no idea where his father was, or if he was even home. Ashton prayed he wasn't. If he was... Ashton didn't even want to _think_ about what would happen.

He slowly crept into the living room, the eerie silence making his pulse pound in his ears. The stench of alcohol assaulted him, as per usual, though the scent was stale.

Ashton breathed a sigh of relief. His father wasn't home. He was safe for just a little bit longer.

Ashton slowly crept up the stares, accustomed to being as quiet as he could to keep from gaining his father's attention. He carefully avoided the fourth step from the top, knowing that it squeaked if he put his weight on it. _(Let's be real here Ashton, what wouldn't squeak if you put your weight on it, you fatass-)_

Ashton quickly cut the thought short, closing his bedroom door behind him as he stepped through, discarding his backpack and shoes beside his ratty bed.

With a shaking hand, he cautiously pulled a box down from the top shelf of his closet, an icy feeling creeping up his spine at the thought of being caught. The punishment would surely be death, although Ashton couldn't say he would _mind_ that.

He breathed in until his lungs felt like they'd burst with the amount of air they held, slowly exhaling as he pulled the lid off of the box.

His eyes filled with tears at the little kick of desire his heart made at the sight of what was in the box, a tiny sob escaping him when his fingers twitched excitedly to grab a hold of something.

Carefully, he pulled out the floral dress that laid on top, skin flushing in want at how _soft_ the fabric was. He bit his lip to keep from breaking down, disgust and hatred with himself warring with his desire to put all of his things on.

He closed his eyes, letting his fingers brush against the jars upon jars of makeup, the silky fabric of the women's panties stashed at the very bottom.

Fuck, Ashton just wanted to be _normal_.

It was obvious, he thought bitterly, that he wasn't normal, because what normal 18 year old boy wanted to dress up like a girl and feel pretty sometimes? What normal boy had makeup and women's clothing stashed away in his closet?

It didn't matter that he played on the footy team with Calum, as per his father's request. It didn't matter that he was athletic and looked as boyish as they came. The fact that he liked this shit made everything go to shit.

Despite his brain screaming at him not to, Ashton slowly grabbed a tube of lipstick, the colour a deep red, almost burgundy. He uncapped it, twisting the makeup until the tip was visible.

He swallowed, his eyes locked on the lipstick. His vision swam with tears until he closed his eyes once again, allowing his mind to think up all kinds of images that he should have _never_ thought.

His brain conjured him up an image of what he'd look like if he ever let himself put all of this on. His lips a dark, beautiful red, his eyes framed by black coated lashes and body sheathed in a soft flowing dress, his boxers replaced by the black satin panties.

And somehow, Luke was there, Luke in all of his beauty, with his skin tight black jeans, black shirt, his strong and tattooed arms wrapped around Ashton's waist, lips pressed to his neck.

Suddenly, neither of them were wearing clothes, their skin pressed together as they moved on Ashton's bed.

Before Ashton could stop himself, he was imagining Luke holding him down with his broad body, telling him how pretty he was, how Ashton was his little princess, how he felt so good wrapped around Luke's-

Gasping, Ashton wrenched himself out of his head, forcing his eyes open. He hadn't realised he'd been crying until he felt the wetness seep into the collar of his shirt.

His mouth screwed up in a grimace, quickly capping the lipstick still in his hand and throwing everything back into the box. He wished he was strong enough to throw the box away and never see it again, but he wasn't and would never be that strong. He angrily threw the box back into his closet, in plain sight of his father if he went looking.

(Ashton couldn't help but think that maybe he was subconsciously trying to get himself killed.)

Tears still pouring down his cheeks, he ran into his bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind him.

He braced his hands on his sink, his head hanging down, ragged gasps escaping his throat. Without looking, he fumbled in the top drawer of the counter for the shiny piece of sharp silver metal that he craved, not making a sound when it accidentally sliced into the pad of his thumb.

Ashton slowly slid down the door, his throat closing up with the force of his almost panic attack and the tears still falling. He drew his knees up to his chest, burying his face in his crossed arms, the sweet familiar smell of the fabric making him realise he still had Luke's jacket. The little skip his heart gave made him feel even worse.

 _Luke's straight, you faggot_ , a small voice whispered. _Even if he wasn't, why would he go for you? You're such a fat disgusting ugly pig. You're a freak Ashton._

Ashton whimpered, hurriedly shoving his pants down, not even pausing at the sight of his ruined thighs before he was driving the blade into the damaged skin.

He sobbed, bending his head over his legs, watching in fascination as the blood sluggishly oozed from the shallow cut on his thigh. He smiled once without humour, carving cut after cut into his delicate skin, until he was lost in a sea of red and dizzy black spots floated behind his eyes.

He sighed, beginning the slow process of cleaning up all the blood and bandaging the cuts, making sure there was no evidence of what he'd done in the off chance his father went looking.

With a wince, he exited the bathroom, snuggling further into the warmth of Luke's jacket when his thighs burned as they rubbed against his jeans.

He curled up on his bed, grabbing his phone out of his backpack. He absentmindedly thumbed through some of the messages, deleting some from people at school who thought they were friends.

Ashton stopped on his conversation with Luke, reading through the texts of _'are you okay?'_ and _'princess please answer me'_ that got increasingly more frantic the longer it took for Ashton to reply. Ashton let out a small giggle at how worriedly protective Luke was of him.

_'i'm fine Luke, was just away from my phone. also sorry i still have your jacket, i'll give it to you tomorrow.'_

Within moments, he had a reply.

_'thank god. it's fine princess, you look better in it anyways.'_

Ashton was still smiling when he heard the front door slam open, his father's shout of his name echoing through the small house.

Ashton's blood ran cold, him hurrying to get the jacket off and hidden so his dad didn't mess it up.

He listened to the heavy footsteps thundering up the stairs, bracing himself for when they reached him.

His door swung open, his father's silhouette in the doorway, the now familiar scent of cigarettes, alcohol, and sex greeting Ashton as his father stepped forward with a menacing smile.

Ashton swallowed.

Time for another round of hell.


	2. ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His father smiled menacingly, walking around him in a circle, much like the way a predator circling its prey would, "You're a freak, Ashton," he murmured. "No one will ever love you."
> 
> And with that, he struck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its been really easy to write this bc its been a rough couple of days, so enjoy some angst on your christmas eve/christmas.  
> ((this chapter is actually shit im sorry))  
> [trigger warnings for this chapter: graphic child abuse, violence.]

Ashton probably should have not gone to school today. That way he wouldn't have to deal with the boys smothering him. But he went anyways, despite the fact that he'd been out of the makeup he usually used to hide the bruises from his father, which is exactly what Luke was angry about.

"Ashton, just tell me who the fuck did this to you," Luke growled, his blue eyes blazing as he stood in front of Ashton.

Ashton stayed silent, knowing if he opened his mouth, he'd spill all his secrets to Luke, and by doing so would put Luke in danger. Ashton wouldn't be able to live with himself if he did that.

"C'mon Ash, please tell us," Calum softly prodded, his hand rubbing up and down the smaller boy's back.

Michael sighed, stepping back from where he'd been holding the pack of ice to Ashton's rapidly developing black eye. "There's obviously something keeping you from telling us what happened."

Ashton gave a short nod, wary of how Luke would react to that.

Luke blew out a frustrated breath, reaching his hand up to touch Ashton's face, slowly sweeping his fingers over the bruise on his cheekbone, down to the obvious hand-shaped bruise wrapped around Ashton's throat. "Please princess, I just want to know who hurt you. It _kills_ me seeing you like this."

Ashton, once again, stubbornly kept his mouth shut, not daring to even _breathe_ when he was so close to just blurting out the truth.

Luke furrowed his eyebrow, looking like he'd suddenly realised something. Slowly, as to not startle Ashton, he reached for the sleeve of his jacket that Ashton was still wearing, and pushed it up before Ashton could stop him, doing the same to the other. The three of them gasped at the sight.

His arms were almost entirely _purple_ , several deep gashes slicing the otherwise smooth expense of skin. Some of the bruises were just shapeless blobs, while others were distinguishable as handprints.

Luke bit his lip to keep from crying, gently helping Ashton out of his jacket, his heart breaking when Ashton winced.

There were more cuts along the underside of his bicep, these ones more jagged and deep than the others. Another trail of purple stained the skin up Ashton's shoulder, disappearing into the sleeve of his shirt. Luke didn't need to look to know that his chest was to the same degree.

"Oh princess," Luke murmured, enveloping Ashton in a tight hug, while still being gentle to his battered body.

Luke met Michael's eyes over the top of Ashton's head, the older boy looking worried and sick to his stomach. They didn't know for certain what had happened, but they had their suspicions.

Luke breathed out shakily, hiding his face in Ashton's hair, just holding the smaller boy close to him.

;

Ashton probably should have expected the boys, especially Luke, to be extremely protective over him for the rest of the day.

Hell, Luke barely let him _walk_ on his own, let alone do anything that could hurt him more.

"Please just let me take you home," Luke was currently begging, Ashton's backpack slung over his shoulder like usual.

Ashton rolled his eyes. "Luke, I'm _fine_. I don't want to go home, anyways."

Luke's eyes darkened. "You aren't fine Ash. You can barely _walk_ because of how much pain you're in."

"Luke-"

"At least let me get you out of school. You don't have to go home, but please just let me take you away from here."

Ashton arched an eyebrow, trying to calm his suddenly racing heart, clamping down on the thoughts of what could happen. "You sound like you're trying to kidnap me."

"Maybe I am." Luke bared his teeth playfully. Ashton couldn't get over how Luke was the biggest, sweetest _dork_ of a gentle giant, yet still look so tough and manly with the tattoos twining up and down his arms.

Ashton snickered, wincing when it made the bruises on his stomach and chest throb. Luke stopped laughing as well, pained expression slipping back over his face.

"C'mon, I'm not letting you stay here." Luke grabbed Ashton's hand and gently tugged him towards the front doors, flashing a sweet smile at the secretary, who simply rolled her eyes but wrote them both passes.

"Where are we going?" Ashton asked breathlessly, struggling to keep up with Luke's long legs.

Luke slowed down when they reached his car, reaching into his pocket for the keys, unlocking the door and helping Ashton inside before loping around to his door. "I don't know. We could go get food if you're hungry?"

Ashton's stomach growled at the same time he felt sick thinking of eating. He didn't need all those calories sticking under his skin, he was fat enough already.

"I'm not all that hungry right now," Ashton replied, squirming under Luke's intense stare. He knew Luke didn't believe him, but he willed the younger boy to let it go.

"Ash..."

"Please Luke," Ashton begged, though he didn't really know what he was begging  _for_.

Luke gave him a long, measured look, one that practically screamed that he wouldn't let Ashton get away with this for long. "Alright, fine."

Ashton didn't miss the way that Luke's hands tightened their hold on the steering wheel.

Ashton sighed, leaning his head against the window.

Why did life have to be so complicated?

;

Luke pulled to a stop in front of Ashton's house, after a few hours of them hanging out at the old garage where Luke worked.

Luke looked up at the window, curling his lip at what he saw. His gaze shifted to Ashton, a serious expression settling.

Luke blew out a breath, touching his fingertips to Ashton's cheek, his eyes so dark and anxious. "If you need me, call me, alright?"

Ashton rolled his eyes, opening his door and stepping out, determinedly not showing how much pain he was in. "I'll be _fine_ Luke. Stop worrying about me."

Luke shifted his gaze back to Ashton's house, his cold glare locked on the shadow of Ashton's father through the window. "Just. Promise me, alright? Please."

Ashton gave him a soft, reassuring smile, though his own worries were not very far away from Luke's. "I promise. Thank you Luke."

Ashton could feel Luke's eyes on his back as he walked up to his front door. He paused for a second, hand on the doorknob, bracing himself for what would happen when he walked into the house.

Slowly, he opened the door, closing the door with the quietest sound he could manage. He knew it was pointless, his father had already seen him from outside, but if Ashton was quiet, maybe he'd get off with a lesser beating.

"Who was that?" his father's gravelly voice spoke from his right.

Ashton looked down at his father's shoes, submissive in the way he knew his father would appreciate. "My friend."

His father laughed humourlessly, stepping closer to trail a finger down Ashton's cheek, Ashton's skin crawling from his touch. "Mmhm, and you're probably in love with him like the dirty faggot you are."

Ashton swallowed, his eyes pricking with tears. He didn't say anything, opting for the safer route of letting his silence speak for him.

His father smiled menacingly, walking around him in a circle, much like the way a predator circling its prey would. "You're a _freak_ , Ashton," he murmured. "No one will ever love you."

And with that, he struck.

Ashton cried out at the punch to the middle of his back, the wind getting knocked out of him. He didn't have any time to recover before his father had pushed him to the ground, landing kick after kick to Ashton's torso, tearing through the thin skin with the pointy toe of his boot.

"You never should have been born, you disgrace!" his father roared, grabbing an empty beer bottle and breaking it against the wall, grabbing the biggest piece and dragging the sharpest side down Ashton's chest.

Ashton screamed, struggling to pull away from his dad, whimpering when his father just pushed the glass further into his skin.

"I hate you," his father breathed, the stench of alcohol making Ashton's stomach roll.

The beating continued, the pain blurring together until Ashton couldn't tell where it was actually coming from. All he could feel was agony, like boiling water was being poured into his soul whilst he was being submerged in acid, all while being ran over by a bus.

"I just wish you'd _die_ already," his father murmured in his ear.

Ashton whimpered, curling into himself, rolling away from his father in hopes that the beating would finally be over.

His dad growled, stepping away from his broken body.

Ashton listened to the sound of his father walking out, slamming the door behind him. Ashton laid still with his cheek pressed against the floor, still in too much pain to even consider moving.

He closed his eyes, desperately wishing that this wasn't his life.

His last thought before he lost consciousness was that he hadn't kept his promise to Luke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk man if you ever want to be my friend just hit up my tumblr: lucashemwow ((pls be my friend))


	3. iii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Ash, are you wearing... women's underwear?" Michael didn't sound judgemental, only curious, though in Ashton's mind it had flipped to a hateful voice. It was that second that he realised that his shirt had ridden up, exposing his bruised back and the waistband of the pink panties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its so easy to write from the point of view of a depressed character when you feel the exact same way yourself. bUT i hope everyone had a wonderful christmas and all the likes!!
> 
> [trigger warnings for this chapter: talk of child abuse.]

It had been a couple of weeks since the boys had first seen Ashton's bruises, and now that he was almost fully healed (his father had been careful to leave bruises on places the boys wouldn't see), he knew they were bound to start asking questions.

For now though, he was content to just hang with them in the boy's locker room, long after everyone else had gone home. Calum and Ashton were still sweaty from practice, with Luke and Michael having just been there to watch.

Ashton felt somewhat... _lighter_ than he usually did, though he supposed that had something to do with the soft, lacy pink underwear he was currently wearing.

Honestly, Ashton didn't know why he'd put them on, only that a surge of confidence had urged him to. No one was going to see them anyways, right?

Ashton giggled, watching Luke dodge a half-hearted kick from Michael.

"Stop your catfight," Calum sighed, leaning back against the lockers from his seat next to Ashton. "There's plenty of me to go around."

"Um, no, they're fighting over me." Ashton shoved his shoulder, missing the fond way Luke was watching him.

"No you bastard, they're fighting over me." Calum pushed him back against the lockers. Ashton fought hard to keep the smile on his face and not show how the bruises colouring his back were throbbing in pain.

"You fucker, they're obviously fighting over me." Ashton launched himself at Calum rolling over until he had the younger boy pinned beneath him.

Calum groaned, trying to wiggle out of his hold before he gave up, glaring up at the smaller boy. "Michael, help," he whined, throwing a puppydog look at the red haired boy.

Michael rolled his eyes. "You got into this one, you get yourself out."

Calum's pout deepened, before he suddenly pulled himself free of Ashton's grip, twisting himself up to tickle the boy.

Ashton screamed, thrashing away even as laughter bubbled out of his throat. "Stop! Stop, _please!_ "

"Never!" Calum crowed joyfully, digging his fingers into Ashton's sides, keeping the smaller boy trapped on his lap.

Peals of childish laughter left Ashton's mouth, turning into helpless giggles as he grew more and more breathless. Luke and Michael watched them with fond smiles, taking joy in seeing the eldest so happy.

Eventually, Luke took pity on him, dragging him away from Calum with a fondly exasperated smile on his face.

Ashton grinned, struggling to catch his breath in the best way possible, laughter still bubbling in his chest.

Luke smiled at him, tugging gently on a curl hanging in front of Ashton's eyes. "It's nice to see you happy," he said quietly.

Ashton's smile softened. "It's nice to feel happy," he whispered, the moment too precious to speak in anything louder.

Of course, something always had to come and ruin Ashton's happiness.

"Ash, are you wearing... women's underwear?" Michael didn't sound judgemental, only curious, though in Ashton's mind it had flipped to a hateful voice.

It was that second that he realised that his shirt had ridden up, exposing his bruised back and the waistband of the pink panties.

Ashton stiffened, his eyes going wide in terror. He pulled away from Luke, his heart pumping so hard he was certain they'd be able to hear it. His stomach clenched enough that he thought he was going to be sick.

"Princess?" Luke touched his fingers to Ashton's shoulder, trying to pull him out of his head and back into reality. It backfired, when Ashton flinched away and whimpered.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don't hurt me," he sobbed, curling away from them, his throat closing up.

Pure, icy terror flowed through him, making it difficult for him to think as his vision blurred. His chest was on fire because he couldn't breathe and all he could think was that the boys were going to hate him because why wouldn't they, he was a freak and a disgrace and he shouldn't even be _alive_ anymore-

"Ash, please calm down," Michael cooed, keeping a safe distance away but still close enough to try and comfort Ashton.

Ashton blinked, his vision still distorted, and before any of the other boys could react or stop him, he was on his feet, disappearing out the door to the footie pitch and _running_.

His legs were shaking heavily, which wasn't helping him as he tried to get away. He pushed himself farther, harder, relieved when he didn't hear the door to the locker room open until he was a far enough distance away.

Tears coursed down his cheeks as he ran, the physical effort sapping what little strength was left of his bones and making his breath that much shorter.

Eventually, when his muscles felt like jelly and he was certain he'd lost the boys, he slowed down, finding himself in a small park. He sighed, struggling to calm down his breathing, almost collapsing onto a small park bench. He buried his face in his hands, his shoulders heaving.

"Are you okay?" he heard someone say from his left, though he didn't look up, opting to keep his face hidden.

"Hey, no, what's wrong?" a gentle hand touched his shoulder, the move just soft enough to get Ashton to look up.

There was a girl next to him, tall in her stature but almost delicate in everything else. She once probably had blonde hair, though now it was a vibrant pink, and her blue eyes and the innocence shining in her face reminded him too much of Luke, almost the same as the boy who'd stolen his heart with the mismatched piercings scattering her, one in her nose and another through her eyebrow and snakebites below her bottom lip, tattoos twining up her arms and neck.

There was something... different... about her face, though Ashton couldn't put his finger on it.

"Are you alright?" she gently repeated, sitting down beside him on the bench.

He sighed, silently appraising her. He didn't know if he wanted to tell her, but after thinking it over, he realised she had no connection to his life at all, so what should it matter if he told her?

"My friends just found out that I like dressing up as a girl," he spoke bluntly, the words tasting sour in his mouth.

She blinked, obviously not expecting that, her mouth parted in surprise. "Oh."

"Yeah." Ashton spoke bitterly, twisting his fingers in his lap. "I don't supposed you have any experience with this?"

She smiled wryly at him, a certain twinkle in her eye that was neither good nor bad. "Well, considering I wasn't born with this gender, maybe I do."

Ashton looked up, startled. "What?"

She slid a hand up to play with his hair, and despite having just met her, Ashton felt extremely comfortable with her touching him. "I wasn't born a girl, love. But before we get into this, why don't we introduce ourselves? Hi, I'm Jordan."

He offered her a shaky smile. "M'Ashton."

Jordan beamed at him. "'Lo Ashton."

Ashton shifted into a more comfortable position, melting more into the hand playing with his hair. "So you're..."

"Transgender," she supplied kindly, nodding. "I was born a boy, but I never felt comfortable being in a boy's body, you know? When I turned eighteen I started all of the necessary procedures and had the operation about two years ago. I've never felt happier, honestly."

Jordan gave him a curious look. "Do you think you'd be more comfortable in a girl's body?"

Ashton let his mind wander to that for a second, imagining himself like that, long hair and... _vagina_. He promptly shook his head, wrinkling his nose, disgusted. "No, no I definitely like my penis, thank you very much." Jordan muffled a giggle. "I just... like dressing up and feeling pretty, I guess."

Jordan nodded. "I can understand that. And judging by the bruises on your face and the ones on your back - your shirt rode up, don't give me that shocked look - there's probably someone that doesn't agree with it?"

Ashton slowly nodded, amazed that this person was so perceptive but was also so kind. "Yeah, my dad just. Doesn't particularly like that side of me. And it doesn't help that I'm gay, so."

Jordan made a small sympathetic noise. "Oh love, I'm sorry you go through that. Is that... is that why you're so scared of your friends knowing?"

Ashton bit his lip, struggling to keep his tears at bay, "Yeah, I mean. My own dad hates me because of this, someone who's supposed to love me unconditionally. And like, if he does, why wouldn't Calum or Michael or Luke? I couldn't handle it if hey hated me, especially Luke. Oh my god, what if Luke hates me? No why wouldn't he, I'm just a disgusting fat ugly freak and he's so perfect why would he like _me-_ "

"Hey, no no, sh love," Jordan cooed, cupping his face in her hands. "It's alright baby, just calm down for me, yeah?"

Ashton whimpered, closing his eyes, taking in deep calming breaths. When he was finally calm enough, Jordan smiled at him.

"Ash, I know that you won't believe me. Trust me, I understand your situation more than you would think. I know your brain tricks you into thinking you're disgusting and ugly, and I have a feeling that the fat part comes from an eating disorder, if I'm assuming correctly." She blew out a sigh, sinking her fingers into the soft curls at his temples. "As for Luke... you love him, correct?"

Ashton nodded. "So much."

"Love, I don't think they'll hate you. You haven't told me anything about them, but just remember the world doesn't always see you the way you see yourself, alright? For all you know, the boys could accept you and love you all the same. You don't know."

Ashton opened his mouth to reply, but a sudden shout of his name made both him and Jordan look up to see Luke standing at the entrance of the park, looking around frantically.

"Ashton!" he called again, voice edging towards desperate, before he noticed the curly haired boy, taking off towards him.

"So that's Luke?" Jordan asked.

Ashton nodded. "That's Luke."

Luke was breathing hard when he reached them, though that didn't stop him from scooping the smaller boy up into his arms, hugging him fiercely. "God, don't ever do that to me again," he murmured, his strong arms wrapped around Ashton's waist, lips pressed to his hairline.

Ashton snuggled right in to Luke's embrace, tucking his head under his chin. "Do what?"

Luke tightened his grip, one hand leaving his waist to cup the back of his head. "Scare me like that. I thought- I don't even know, I was just so terrified."

Jordan watched the two with a small smile, noting the protective way Luke had curled around Ashton, how tightly they held each other. "So Ash," she began, causing the boys to pull away from each other. "I think you were wrong."

Luke frowned, eyes flitting from Ashton to Jordan. "Who are you? And what was he wrong about?"

Jordan gave him a smile, standing up to offer her hand. Ashton giggled at how tiny she was compared to the tall broadness of Luke. She shot the curly headed boy a fond glare. "Shut up Ash. Anyways, I'm Jordan. And he was wrong because he thought you, and Michael and Calum, would hate him."

Luke stiffened, looking down at Ashton, who avoided his eyes. "You thought I would hate you?"

Ashton gave a meek nod, hiding his face in Luke's neck, fingers nervously twisting into the hem of his shirt.

Luke sighed, tightening his hold on Ashton, dropping a kiss to his head. "No princess, I could never hate you."

"Are you sure? Because you just found out something big and the thing that makes me a freak so I wouldn't be surprised if you hated me-"

"Ash." Luke shook his head, cutting him off. "No princess, I could _never, ever_ hate you, _ever_."

Jordan smiled softly, running her fingers through her hair. "I think I'm going to go. Ash, here." She handed him a piece of paper. "If you need me, text me, okay? No matter what." She hugged him quickly. "And you might want to tell him. Everything. He could help."

Ashton sighed, wrapping her up in a hug. "Thank you, for everything," he said seriously.

She smiled, beginning to walk away before Luke called her name, making her turn back around.

"Thank you, for helping him."

She gave a short nod, and with that it was just Luke and Ashton.

Luke sighed, looking down at the smaller boy, tugging him down to sit on the bench again. "Care to explain?"

Ashton squirmed nervously, tucking his nose into Luke's neck and anxiously playing with his fingers. "Um. Where- where do you want me to start?"

Luke sighed again, tightly wrapping his arms around Ashton's waist. "First off, princess no matter what you tell me, I'm not going to hate you. You should know that by now. Second... why don't we start with what happened today?"

Ashton stiffened. "I was afraid you'd say that." He blew out his breath, twisting his fingers into the fabric of his shirt, "So ever since I was little I've been, I don't know, not normal? I guess, like, not normal in the sense of being male. Like, I always liked the girl stuff better than I liked the boy stuff, always liked the dresses and the makeup and the pretty things.

"And, like, when mum had Lauren, it kind of made it worse, because she was getting all these pretty things but I had to be the tough manly one. And I somehow managed to keep it all from my parents, but I'd steal some of the prettiest things that Lauren had and hide them and use them or play with them."

Ashton swallowed. "And then my dad found out."

He could sense Luke's cold hatred towards the man just mentioned, knew that Luke (and probably Calum and Michael) had put two and two together and had figured out where the bruises were truly coming from.

"I was like, fourteen, and my dad absolutely hated it. Told me he didn't want a faggot as a son and that I was a disgrace and all of that. He didn't do anything physically, that time, but just kept yelling and yelling and yelling and I still hear all of those words in my nightmares."

He sighed, burrowing closer to Luke. "That kind of continued for another year, just verbal harassment, until mum had had enough of him and divorced him. Took everything from him. But he managed to get custody of one of us, one of the kids, and I- I decided to live with him so that Lauren and Harry didn't. So that they didn't have to deal with my dad."

"Oh Ash," Luke murmured, pressing his lips to Ashton's head.

"He turned to drinking then," Ashton whispered, the story flooding out of him now that he'd open the dam. "And partying and drinks and sex. And-" He squeezed his eyes shut, breath automatically quickening. "That was when things got physical."

Luke's breath hitched.

"It was mostly just punches and slaps here and there, whenever I really stepped out of line, nothing too bad. But then-" Ashton stopped breathing. "It got worse. It turned into broken bones and cuts from broken beer bottles. It turned- it turned to _this_."

Wordlessly, Ashton pulled away from Luke long enough to ruck his shirt up, exposing the battered ruin of his torso, the bruises and the word carved into his taut abdomen.

_freak_

Luke gasped, reaching out to pull the smaller boy back into his chest, protectively holding him close as he let his tears fall, burying his face in Ashton's curls.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry," he murmured, heartbreak clear in his voice. "I'm so sorry Ash, so sorry you had to deal with this. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to help you."

"But you were." Ashton dropped a kiss to Luke's exposed collarbone. "You helped me smile when I wanted to cry and laugh when I wanted to give up. You have done so much for me Luke, you don't even understand show much I love you."

Luke sighed, choosing not to comment, sitting in silence for many long moments before he spoke again. "You aren't a freak, princess."

Ashton scoffed. "Right."

Luke made a sound like he was hurt. "You aren't."

Ashton rolled his eyes, though Luke couldn't see it. "Luke I am. I'm an eighteen year old boy who likes dressing like a girl and feel pretty. I'm not _normal_ Luke."

"You are perfectly normal," Luke replied fiercely, the passion in his voice surprising Ashton. "You are nothing but normal."

Ashton closed his eyes to stop the sudden flood of tears. "Luke, I'm a freak. I'm a disgusting fucked up ugly fat disgrace of a human, how are you even _friends_ with me-"

Luke gave a broken whine, dipping down to feverishly press his mouth to Ashton's, shutting him up before he could go on.

Ashton froze, so surprised at the move that he couldn't react, but when Luke pulled him closer with a hand on the back of his neck, Ashton's muscles thawed, prompting him to finally kiss back.

Luke made a pleased sound, dragging his hand down Ashton's back to pull him to straddle his lap, only pressing harder against his lips. Ashton gave this helpless little whimper, his lips parting when Luke's tongue swiped over his bottom lip, welcoming the feel of the other boy licking into his mouth.

"You aren't-" Luke panted, dragging back from the kiss long enough to get those two words out, before he gave a helpless groan, leaning back in to kiss Ashton again. _"Fuck."_

Eventually, Ashton successfully pulled away from the younger boy, breathless in the most delightful way.

"You aren't a freak," Luke promised, regaining his thought process from earlier. "You aren't, and you aren't fat or ugly or disgusting. I don't care how long it'll take to get you to believe me, I will tell you everyday that you are beautiful until you understand that you are."

Ashton offered him a watery smile, choosing not to share his thoughts that Luke would probably never get him to believe that, snuggling up under his chin with a kiss to his neck. Luke held him close, occasionally dropping a kiss to his curls.

"We've got to go tell Mikey and Cal," Luke eventually said, the sun starting to set with the two still on the bench.

Ashton sighed, standing up. He knew that his best friends deserved an explanation, but his heart was still racing. Just because Luke didn't hate him didn't mean they wouldn't.

"It'll be fine, princess," Luke comforted, wrapping his arm around Ashton's waist and gently pulling him towards the park entrance.

They walked in silence down to Luke's house, where he said that the other two boys should still be. Ashton's heart beat a little faster the closer that they got to Luke's house, though he realised he hadn't run as far as he thought he had. 

Finally, too soon in Ashton's opinion, they reached Luke's house.

Luke took a deep breath, hand resting on the doorknob. "It's going to be fine, princess," he said seriously, his eyes sincere and comforting.

Ashton inhaled until his lungs wouldn't hold any more air, slowly letting it out as he nodded.

The second the door opened, Michael was on his feet, worried eyes finding Ashton's from where the smaller boy had taken to standing behind Luke.

"Ash, thank god," Calum breathed, launching forward to wrap his arms around Ashton, pulling him away from Luke to properly hug him.

Michael joined in the hug, squeezing Ashton fiercely. "God, we were so worried," he murmured.

Ashton swallowed, hugging both of them back. "I'm sorry," he whispered meekly.

Michael blew out a breath. "No peach, don't apologise. You didn't do anything wrong, it's okay."

"Can you just... explain? Everything?" Calum asked hesitantly.

Ashton nodded, separating from the boys to go and sit down on the couch. Immediately, Luke claimed the spot beside him, tugging the smaller boy into his lap, wrapping his arms around his waist and pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth, ignoring Michael and Calum's mildly surprised looks.

Ashton slowly began explaining, playing with Luke's fingers to keep himself calm, ignoring the hushed gasps that came at certain points in the story.

Everyone broke down when Ashton showed them his torso, Michael automatically crushing the smallest boy to his chest. His anger and hatred towards Ashton's father was tangible.

"We love you so much peach, we could never hate you," Michael murmured when he was done, arms still around Ashton.

Calum rubbed his back, silently affirming Michael's words. Luke kissed the top of his head, thumb tracing over his hipbone.

Ashton snuggled himself farther into the group hug, trying (and failing) to block out the bad thoughts with the knowledge that his best friends (and maybe boyfriend?) didn't hate him.

The cuts on his thighs (that he'd have to tell them about soon, but he pushed that thought away) and the bruises decorating his skin gave a phantom throb, but he chose to ignore them, content to just be with the people he loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you ever want to get in touch with me, follow me on tumblr: lucashemwow, or on my twitter dedicated to my stories: lucashemwow, or my personal twitter korrrriiii


	4. iv

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dresses Luke carried fell to the floor, his eyes wide and mouth hanging open as he slowly closed the door, locking it, scanning Ashton up and down.
> 
> "Fuck," he whispered, reaching his hand out slowly, cupping his cheek like he couldn't believe that Ashton was real. "You look so good, oh my god."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i wrote this alone in a hotel room while my family was out skiing, so not sure how good it is. also, the soundtrack (i guess????) for this story is probably the whole of the 'x' album by ed sheeran, bc its the only thing i can listen to whilst writing this, but i'd have to say the number one song is runaway, bc thats what i imagine ashton would write to his father.
> 
> [trigger warnings for this chapter: graphic child abuse.]

"Are you serious?" Ashton's eyes widened, looking from Luke to Michael to Calum and back to Luke.

Luke nodded, reaching out to haul Ashton closer to him with a hand on his hip. "Of course, princess."

Ashton blinked, trying to comprehend what Luke had just proposed. "But- no you can't be serious, that's too much _money-_ "

"Ash," Michael cut in, his voice gentle. "It's not about the money, peach. We just want to do something to make you happy because we love you. Please?"

Ashton blew out a sigh, looking up at Luke. "Fine," he relented, heart stuttering when Luke's eyes lit up.

"But not too much, alright?" he said sternly, arching a pointed eyebrow at Luke, who just grinned sheepishly and ducked to distract Ashton with a kiss.

Calum shook his head, ushering both boys into the car, muttering something about "lovesick idiots, goddammit".

Ashton didn't pay much attention in the car ride, too busy being curled into Luke's side, playing with his fingers, his thoughts running rampant.

It wasn't until the boys had dragged him into the beauty store, until he was looking down at the rows upon rows of gorgeous, brand new makeup, that it really dawned on him. Tears pricked his eyes at the thought, that these boys had taken him out, and offered to buy him whatever he wanted, just so that he'd be _happy_.

Ashton turned away from the cosmetics, throwing his arms around Michael, hand stretched out to fist in Calum's shirt. "Thank you," he croaked, pulling them both closer. "Just- thank you. You don't understand what this means."

Michael kissed the top of his head, rubbing his back. "We just want to make you happy, peach."

Ashton pulled back, thumbing away the moisture under his eyes, shaking his head with a watery smile. Luke pulled him closer, kissing his cheek, nudging him towards the makeup again.

Luke kept a tight grip around his waist, his chin resting on Ashton's shoulder, lips occasionally pressing against Ashton's cheek. Ashton could feel all the eyes on them, some disgusted, others just cooing over how cute they were.

"That colour would look amazing on you," Luke murmured, nodding towards a dark, smoky green eyeshadow. "Would really make your eyes pop."

Ashton reached out, holding the eyeshadow in one palm. "You think so?"

He felt Luke's mouth curl into a smile against his neck. "I know so."

Ashton grinned softly back at him.

"Ashton, what is this?" Michael called, holding a bottle of something, nose wrinkled as he tried to work out what it was.

Ashton frowned, walking over to Michael, though Luke stopped him, not letting him move at all. " _My_ Ashton," he mumbled, resembling a grumpy kitten.

Ashton rolled his eyes, walking to the other boys, even with Luke hanging off of him.

"Um, I think this is foundation," Ashton said, taking the bottle from Michael. He sniffed it curiously, wrinkling his nose at the strong scent of chemicals. "Yeah, definitely foundation, though it's a little too dark for your skin, Mikey."

"But it's perfect for yours," Michael decided, putting the bottle into the basket Calum was holding, along with the eyeshadow Ashton still had in his hand.

"Mikey, it's like, fifteen dollars!" Ashton argued, trying to take the bottle back out.

Calum blocked him, pressing him back against Luke's chest, the blond boy caging him in with his arms. "No Ash, just let us buy it for you."

Ashton glowered at him, finally giving up, slumping against Luke. "Fine, you little _shits_."

In the end, he only ended up buying a few eyeshadows, the foundation, and the cheapest mascara he could find, despite Michael, Calum, and Luke's protests that he could get anything he wanted, to just stop thinking about or looking at the price.

(Luke winked at Michael and Calum, showing the bag he'd secretly gotten, full of lipsticks and blushes and primers and stuff he didn't know what the fuck it was, because he knew Ashton would love it.)

Next, Calum dragged Ashton into the boutique not too far away, while Michael and Luke took the bags back down to the car.

"Why are the so many different types of fabrics?" Calum complained, riffling through the racks of pretty dresses on the walls. "Like look, this is cotton, this is satin, this is burlap, this is lace, this is dowlas. What the fuck is _dowlas?"_

Ashton laughed, joining Calum, thumbing over the soft fabric of a gorgeous purple dress, the lacy hem catching his attention. "It's a type of fabric Cal."

Calum scowled. "No shit Sherlock."

"Don't be rude," Luke teased, startling both boys when he slipped up behind them, wrapping himself around Ashton once again.

Ashton let himself be cuddled, twisting his head to steal a kiss. Luke rested his chin on the top of his head, reaching out to touch the dress that Ashton was still holding onto. "S'pretty. Are you going to try it on?"

Ashton bit his lip, looking through the dresses until he found one that was probably his size, as he'd never gone dress shopping before. "Should I?"

Luke nodded. "Here, go try it on and I'll grab some more in this size, alright?"

Ashton nodded, kissing Luke's cheek, disappearing into the fitting rooms before someone could see him.

He room a deep breath, slowly stripping himself of his sweater and jeans, breath turning ragged at the sight of the bruises, at his absolutely _ruined_ thighs. He forced himself to look away, pulling the dress over his head before he could talk himself out of it.

As the soft fabric settled onto his body, he closed his eyes, steeling himself to look at his reflection. When he finally opened his eyes to look, he gasped.

The dress looked amazing, the deep purple complimenting his tanned skin, the lacy hem falling a few inches past his damaged thighs, enough to keep them from view. It clung to his narrow waist, pooling in the little dip of his hips. He looked almost _delicate_ in it, his muscled arms looking smaller than normal.

"Princess?" the knock on the door made him jump, breaking him from his thoughts. "Can I come in baby? I've got a few I think you'd really like."

After making sure his thighs weren't going to show, Ashton carefully unlocked the door, keeping his eyes on the floor, suddenly self-conscious of his appearance.

The dresses Luke carried fell to the floor, his eyes wide and mouth hanging open as he slowly closed the door, locking it, scanning Ashton up and down.

"Fuck," he whispered, reaching his hand out slowly, cupping his cheek like he couldn't believe that Ashton was _real_. "You look so _good_ , oh my god."

"Really?" Ashton mumbled, biting his lip, looking up at Luke through his eyelashes.

Luke's eyes darkened, touch becoming less gentle as he pressed Ashton back against the mirror. "Look so fucking _amazing_ princess," he rasped, dipping his head to lick at Ashton's collarbones. "God, I just want to _wreck_ you."

Ashton didn't get a chance to reply, Luke's mouth suddenly forced against his, harsh in a way that made Ashton's pulse pound in his veins.

Luke gave a rough growl, hands holding Ashton's hips, pushing Ashton's mouth open with his own to let their tongues rub against one another, a high pitched moan falling from Ashton's throat. Luke pressed closer to him at the sound, dragging his tongue up the underside of Ashton's, exploring every inch of his hot mouth, swallowing each and every moan and whimper that Ashton let out.

"You're so beautiful, princess," Luke murmured, pulling away from Ashton long enough to suck a dark mark into his neck. "Absolutely stunning."

Ashton giggled, pressing his hands to Luke's shoulders. "So you like it, then?"

Luke looked up at him, kissing his nose sweetly. "Of course. You're getting this dress, no arguments."

Ashton rolled his eyes.

;

They pulled up to Ashton's house an hour or so later, three bags piled in Ashton's lap.

They'd gotten the purple dress Luke loved, along with a sheer black one, because "it's totally punk rock Ash. Plus, you need a black dress. Everyone has one," according to Michael.

Ashton sighed at the sight of his father standing at the window, watching the car with an unreadable expression. He looked at Luke, noting the cold hatred in his eyes. "Luke, can I leave the bags here with you? I don't want my dad to take them."

Luke glanced at him, softening at the sight of the fear on Ashton's face. "Of course, princess." He blew out a breath, touching his fingertips to Ashton's cheek. "Call me if he so much as _breathes_ on you," he murmured, leaning forward to kiss Ashton gently. "Please."

Ashton nodded, accepting the comforting hands from Calum and Michael. "I promise I will."

He pressed one more quick kiss to Luke's mouth, forcing himself out of the car before he gave in and told Luke to take him away from here, anywhere, just as long as he was as far from his father as he could get.

Luke watched his Ashton walk up to the front door, cold eyes not leaving the now dark house, the car not moving.

"We aren't going anywhere, are we," Michael said knowingly.

Luke grinned humourlessly, all three of them not looking away from the house. "No."

;

"You know what's funny?" his father asked the second he stepped into the house, pressing Ashton back against the front door.

"I got a call today, just about ten minutes ago," his father continued, not allowing Ashton any chance to respond. "You know who it was from?" He smiled grimly. "A Mrs. Liz Hemmings. Sound familiar? Oh, I think you're _very_ closely acquainted to that delinquent son of hers."

His father wrapped a hand around his neck, laughing at him. "She said the funniest things to me. Things like, 'I know you abuse your son' and 'Child protective services have been called'. Funny, _funny_ things indeed."

Ashton spluttered, thrashing helplessly in his father's hold, clawing at the hand around his throat.

His father broke the calm facade, tossing him to the side, kicking at his ribs. "You worthless piece of shit, you've ruined my life!" he shouted, throwing himself down on top of Ashton, aiming punches and ruthless kicks at his face and torso.

"You're the reason your mum left me, you're the reason this family is a mess," he spat, reaching blindly for the shards of glass lying near them. "You ruin everything you freak, you disgusting faggot."

"Stop!" Ashton screamed, kicking aimlessly to be let go.

"You- you never should have been born," his father cried out, sounding deranged, dragging the glass down Ashton's chest, opening up a deep, jagged cut, another pressed beside it, more made again and again. "You're a disgrace, I hate you, _I hate you_."

The blood bubbling from the gashes on his chest was slowly stealing away his strength, vision blurring.

"Now, I'm going to make sure you never ruin my life again," his father whispered, bending down so their noses touched. Without breaking eye contact, he shoved the sharpest point of the glass shard into the soft skin of Ashton's stomach, twisting it deep into his gut.

Ashton screamed, back arching off the floor, agony spilling into his veins. He couldn't feel _anything_ but the pain crippling his mind.

It could've been seconds, or minutes, hours or days or months or _years_ , he couldn't tell, not with the pain coming from his stomach, or the stinging sensation from the glass dragging down his arms and chest.

He felt his father being ripped from on top of him, shouts of angry curses vaguely reaching him, along with sirens, but with his rapidly blackening vision, and the buzzing noise in his ears, he couldn't make his brain compute anything.

"Ashton? Ashton! Princess please, can you hear me?" a warbled but still distinctly beautiful voice reached his ears. He blinked, trying to get whoever it was into focus, but his body wasn't following his directions.

The last thing he saw before he fell into the blissful black was a pair of terrified blue eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cOME BE MY FRIEND PLS IM LONELY + SAD


	5. v

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The paramedics shared a grim look before the first tried once again, pressing the paddles back to Ashton's chest. Once again, he didn't move.
> 
> The paramedic gave Luke a pitying glance, beginning the process of logging Ashton's death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had this ready before the last chapter was uploaded, i just wanted to make you guys hurt. ALSO i'm uploading this while in a car so you better be goddamn gRATEFUL for this chapter. 
> 
> [trigger warnings for this chapter: death, mentions of self-harm, depression, and eating disorders.]

Luke hadn't slept in three days now. At least, that was what it was the last time he counted. He could be wrong. His mind was a little... wonky.

He sighed, leaning his forehead against the railing of Ashton's hospital, hand still encased in the older boy's. He closed his eyes, pressing his lips to Ashton's knuckles, right beside where the IV was taped in.

"Luke, you should go home, get some rest," the nurse that had been checking up on Ashton periodically smiled gently at him, stepping around him to check Ashton's temperature, looking at the monitors for any signs of him waking up.

"I can't leave him," he rasped, his voice grating in his throat. "I just- I can't leave him. I can't."

"I understand honey, but he's not going to wake up in the hour or two that you'd be gone. He's been out for almost a week, he'll be out for a while more."

Luke sighed, staring at Ashton's still face, tears pricking his eyes once again at the bruises staining his skin. The nurse seemed to sense he needed to be left alone, patting his shoulder comfortingly.

Luke blew out a breath, reaching up to skim his knuckles down Ashton's cheek, down to his throat, brushing against the hand shaped bruises that once again wrapped around his neck.

"Oh princess," he murmured. He closed his eyes again, leaning his cheek against Ashton's hand, falling into an uneasy sleep.

;

_"What are we even waiting for, Luke?" Michael asked, taking his eyes off of Ashton's house long enough to glance at Luke._

_"For when he needs me," Luke murmured back, cold gaze not leaving the window._

_Calum sighed, leaning forward, elbows on his knees. "Fuck, I don't feel comfortable just sitting here while that bastard is probably beating him."_

_"Neither do I, but we'd risk him killing Ashton if we intervened now. Mum told me she called child protection services, she heard him tell us everything, and they're on their way. When they get here, they're bringing police and an ambulance. It'll be easier."_

_"But what if-" Michael's next sentence was interrupted by a sharp scream coming from inside the house, one that Luke recognised as Ashton's voice. Sick to his stomach, he ripped the door open, Michael and Calum following him as he ran to the door._

_"Ashton!" he shouted, banging on the door, struggling in vain to rip it open, to get to his baby. "Ashton!"_

_He was so out of his mind with worry and hatred for the man that dared call himself Ashton's father that he didn't even notice the arrival of the police until one of the men was tugging on his shirt with a gruff "Step aside son", kicking the door open the second Luke was out of the way._

_The sight that was behind the door was one Luke would never forget._

_Ashton was laying under his father, drenched in his own blood, with a sharp piece of glass from what Luke was guessing was a broken beer bottle lodged deep into his stomach, his father dragging another piece down his arms and torso. Ashton's eyes were pained, mouth slack and face pale._

_Luke's vision turned red, rage making his hands shake, and for some reason the police officer didn't stop him as he lunged at Ashton's father, ripping the larger man away from Luke's baby, the light of his life._

_"You fucking **bastard** ," he shouted, throwing the man against the wall, spitting in his face when he tried to swing at Luke. "You are a fucking worthless piece of shit." _

_The policeman stepped forward to put the man's hands in cuffs, but not before he spat at Luke, managing to aim a punch to Luke's cheekbone. "He's a freak, the world would be better off without him."_

_Luke's lips pulled back in a bloodchilling snarl, a growl rumbling in his chest as he threw himself at the vile man, only to be stopped by Michael grabbing his arms, dragging him away._

_"If you hurt him, charges will be pressed against you," Michael murmured in his ear, trying to calm him down. "Fuck, I know you hate him, I do too, but forget him right now Luke. Ashton needs you."_

_At the mention of Ashton, Luke sagged, all fight leaving him. He pulled away from Michael, skidding to his knees beside Ashton's broken body, a sob escaping his mouth at how the boy's eyes were wide open and glazed over._

_"Ashton? Ashton! Princess please, can you hear me?" he cried, tears leaking from his eyes._

_Ashton's eyes wheeled around wildly, obviously trying to find him, trying to focus on him, but they couldn't._

_A small gasp tore through Ashton's chest, his back arching, before his eyes slid closed, chest stopping its shallow movements. Luke cursed, searching for a pulse, screaming out when he couldn't find one._

_"No no no no no, you can't give up on me!" Luke sobbed, cupping Ashton's cheek, trying to get him to wake up. "Please princess, I need you, I love you, please."_

_Luke was crying so heavily he barely reacted when paramedics ripped Ashton's rapidly cooling body from his arms, hurriedly wheeling him out to the ambulance._

_Luke couldn't feel anything. All his mind was processing was that Ashton was dead._

_**And he doesn't even know I love him.** _

_It was that thought that had Luke tearing out of the house, Calum and Michael hot on his heels, stopping outside the open ambulance doors, watching as the paramedics tried to revive Ashton._

_"Grab the defibrillator," one ordered. Another handed it to him, standing back as the first fired them up, pressing them to Ashton's chest, sending a bolt of electricity straight into Ashton's heart. Ashton's back arched, but his heart didn't start again._

_"Luke, you don't need to be seeing this," Calum whispered, wrapping his arms around Luke's torso._

_The paramedics shared a grim look before the first tried once again, pressing the paddles back to Ashton's chest. Once again, he didn't move._

_The paramedic gave Luke a pitying glance, beginning the process of logging Ashton's death._

_"No!" Luke screamed, struggling against Calum to get to Ashton. "No, you can't be gone! You can't leave me! I haven't gotten to love you, I haven't gotten to hold you when you're scared or sad and I haven't gotten to introduce you to my family as my boyfriend! You can't give up Ashton! I love you!"_

_The paramedic looked back up at him sharply. He must've seen something in Luke's face, because he reached for the paddles, firing them up without taking his eyes from Luke's._

_This time, when they made contact with Ashton's chest, his eyes flew open and his mouth opened to draw in a ragged gasp, heart monitor suddenly going crazy._

_Luke sagged against Calum with relief, tears still pouring down his cheeks. He closed his eyes, and even though he didn't believe in a god, he sent a simple thank you to anyone that was listening._

_"He's going into shock!" someone shouted, and Luke's eyes opened to see that Ashton's body was convulsing, eyes rolled back into his head. Someone slipped an oxygen mask onto his face, and Ashton stilled, body going to limp again, though this time his heart continued to beat._

_One paramedic began to close the ambulance doors, though the one that saved Ashton's life stopped him, nodding to Luke as he whispered in his ear. The other nodded, meeting Luke's eyes. "Want to come with, kid?"_

_Luke's heart stopped, gladly flinging himself into the ambulance, immediately kneeling beside Ashton, carefully stroking his cheek as he murmured how much he loved him._

_The first paramedic smiled at him, ripping up Ashton's death certificate, putting away the defibrillator. Luke now recognised that he had thick unruly brown curls, much like Ashton's, and mossy green eyes. The other, the one that was currently holding Green Eyes' hand, had a feathery caramel fringe, blue eyes alight with mischief._

_"What made you save the kid?" Luke heard Blue Eyes ask quietly, obviously trying to be quiet for Luke's benefit._

_Green Eyes smiled at him. "The blond looks at him the way I look at you, like that kid is his everything, his world. I couldn't just let him die."_

_Luke closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against Ashton's hand._

_-_

_At the hospital, Ashton was ripped from him immediately, rushed into surgery. Luke stumbled into the hospital waiting room, collapsing into a chair beside Calum, vaguely registering Calum's explanation of how the police had driven Michael and him here._

_He drew in a shuddering breath, staring blankly at the wall. He didn't move from that spot for a long time._

_Hours later, a woman rushed into the waiting room, a small boy and girl after her. She saw Luke and the other two, running over to them._

_It was only when she was close enough that Luke recognised her as Anne Marie, Ashton's mother, and the children with her Harry and Lauren._

_"Do you know anything?" she asked, breathless. Calum shook his head._

_"He's still in surgery," he said._

_Anne began to cry, holding little Harry's head against her chest. "I never should have left him with that man, I should've brought him with me, oh my poor baby."_

_Luke glanced at her, offering his hand to her, which she gladly took. "I don't know if it's any consolation," he murmured, his voice hoarse from crying, "but he was happy. Not when he was with that bastard, obviously, but at school, when he was with us, with **me** , he was- he was alright." _

_She looked at him with a small smile, running her fingers through his hair. "He talked about you a lot, Luke," she whispered, startling him as to how she knew his name. "He loves you more than anything."_

_He looked up at her, bottom lip trembling, "I love him so so much. He's my everything. I can't live without him."_

_She let him rest his head on her shoulder, holding him together with the arm around his shoulders. Luke gathered enough mind to text Jordan, letting her know what happened. She promised she'd be around as soon as he was out of surgery._

_After what felt like eternities to Luke, a doctor stepped into the room, his blood stained overalls not a pleasant sight, but there's an exhausted smile on his face._

_"Those here for Ashton Irwin?" he called. Luke's heart shot up, immediately giving him every bit of his attention._

_The doctor stood in front of them, nodding his head. "He'll be alright. He lost quite a lot of blood, and we nearly lost him again on the operating table, but we managed to revive him. He's a fighter, that one, he's not going down easily."_

_Luke relaxed, relief flooding his veins._

_"As for his injuries," the doctor continued. "The piece of glass in his stomach ruptured his large intestine. We repaired it, but it'll hurt like hell for him, and we stitched up all the major wounds. We had to break some of his bones, because they were previously broken and didn't set right, but he should heal quickly. But, with the severity of his wounds, he'll be unconscious for a couple of days, to let his body heal. He should be alright, though."_

_"Thank god," Anne murmured, wiping at her eyes._

_However, the doctor suddenly looked a lot more serious. "There are a few things I think you should know about, though. You are his mother, correct?" he aimed the question at Anne. At her nod, he sighed. "Ashton is dangerously underweight. For a six-foot, eighteen year old male, he should be anywhere between 150 and 170 pounds. He's only 104."_

_Anne gasped. Luke just stared at the doctor, not computing._

_"I suspect it has something it has something to do with an eating disorder, though it could have something to do with his father as well. Also..." the doctor hesitated, glancing down at Ashton's younger siblings. Michael seemed to understand what was happening, and coaxed them over to sit and play for a moment, returning seconds later. The doctor pinched the bridge of his nose. "His thighs are absolutely destroyed from self-inflicted cuts. There are so many that there's no skin left on his upper thighs that hasn't been cut up. None of them are recent, I'd say all made at least over 3 or 4 weeks ago, but they're still there. We'll wait to examine him when he wakes up, to see if he needs therapy. He most likely will, after what his father has done, but we can up the sessions or get a different therapist if he is suffering with depression."_

_Anne nodded, stepping away from the boys to talk to the doctor separately. Luke was just-_

He was awoken from his flashback nightmare by a hand gently shaking his shoulder.

Groggily, he lifted his head up, blinking until the person, Anne, was in focus.

"Love, why don't you just go home for a while? You're obviously exhausted," she reprimanded him softly, carding her fingers through his messy hair.

"I don't want to leave him," Luke replied, the answer now automatic. He yawned, leaning his head down to kiss Ashton's palm.

"I know you don't baby, but you need to take care of yourself. That's what Ashton would tell you if he was awake," she reminded.

Luke shook his head, scooting his chair closer to Ashton's bed, resting his head on Ashton's pillow, nose pressed to his cheek.

Anne tutted fondly. "When was the last time you ate, Luke?"

Luke paused, thinking. It should've alarmed him that he honestly couldn't remember, but he didn't really give a fuck. "Uh, I don't actually know."

Anne rolled her eyes, stepping out of the room with a quick "I'll be right back."

Luke sighed, kissing Ashton's jaw. He closed his eyes again, limbs feeling like they were made of lead with how exhausted he was.

Anne walked back in the room with a small bag in her hands, which she handed to Luke. "Eat," she commanded. "Now."

Luke pulled a sandwich out of the bag, stomach growling loudly at the scent of the food. He tore into the sandwich, not even caring what was in it, not realising how hungry he was until he was handed food.

Anne watched him with a fond smile. "Better?"

Luke nodded, handing her his trash. "Much, thank you."

She set the bag down, wrapping him up in a hug afterwards. Luke was surprised, but hugged her back nonetheless. "Thank you," she whispered. "For being there for him, always."

Luke smiled at her. "I'll always be here for him. You have my word."

She nodded, kissing the top of his head, leaving him alone again.

With the sleep tugging at his eyelids, Luke didn't stand a chance.

He pressed a quick kiss to Ashton's chin, quickly falling into a blissfully dreamless sleep.

;

"Luke? Luke. Lukeeee. Lukeyyy."

"Go 'way," he mumbled, swatting at the hand poking his cheek, much like a grumpy kitten.

He heard a musical laughter, and the familiar sound made his eyes snap open, head tilting up to see those gorgeous hazel eyes he loved finally open and staring back at him.

"Ashton!" he cried, kissing wherever he could reach. Despite his exhausted eyes and battered body, he was still _Ashton_ , he was still _awake_ , he was still _alive_. "I love you, I love you, I thought you'd die without knowing how much I love you, I love you," Luke gasped, leaning his forehead against Ashton's.

Ashton smiled at him, tilting his head to kiss him. "God Luke, I love you so much, you have no idea."

Luke carefully climbed into the hospital bed beside Ashton, pulling the boy into his chest, kissing the top of his head repeatedly, telling him he loved him every few seconds.

Eventually, a doctor came in the run some tests on Ashton, after the elder explained how he'd been awake for about twenty minutes before he'd woken like up, long enough for the nurses to examine him and alert a doctor he was awake. Plus, he added, Luke just looked way too tired and way too cute to disturb.

The doctor came back in with a nurse and Anne, asking Ashton all of these questions that Luke didn't pay attention to, too busy memorising the way Ashton felt in his arms. He just knew that they were asking him how he felt, probably to figure out how much therapy he needed. 

Ashton frowned at him after they'd left, running his fingertips over the dark bags under Luke's eyes. "You haven't been sleeping. Or eating. And don't lie, mum told me."

Luke grinned sheepishly. "Oops?"

Ashton rolled his eyes, hitting his cheek gently. "You should've eaten. And slept. And gone home and actually taken care of yourself, I would've been fine here."

"I needed to be with you," Luke shot back. "Princess, you died in my arms. If you think I'm letting you go for even a second, you're wrong."

Ashton's expression softened, understanding in his eyes. He didn't say anything, only cupped Luke's face and kissed him, pouring everything into the kiss.

Luke pulled Ashton tighter to his chest, holding him as close as he could without hurting him. He nuzzled his nose into the soft, slightly greasy curls.

"Sleep, Lukey, you need it," Ashton murmured, sounding very exhausted himself, hands fisted in the hem of Luke's shirt.

"Do you promise you'll still be here when I wake up?" Luke whispered back, scared that he'd wake up and Ashton would still be unconscious, so close but so far away.

Ashton brushed his nose along the underside of Luke's jaw, kissing his skin. "Of course. Now, get some sleep."

Luke quietly obeyed, falling asleep with the reassuring feeling of his baby in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter is the epilogue and then this story is over ((:


	6. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i procrastinated writing this so much i'm so sorry 
> 
> (currently uploading this while in my English class because i just finished my semester exam so you better be damn grateful for this) 
> 
> [trigger warnings: gay smut, talk of eating disorders, self-harm, depression, anxiety.]

Ashton woke up snuggled into a broad chest, the ink-stained skin warm under his palm.

He smiled softly, yawning against Luke's collarbone, pressing a tired kiss to the area. Luke mumbled something, tightening his arms around Ashton's waist, pulling him in closer. He tucked his nose into Ashton's neck, mumbling again.

"Love, I can't understand you," Ashton gently whispered, voice still thick with sleep, sliding his fingers into Luke's soft hair.

Luke gave an adorable grumble, curving his body to hold Ashton's. "G'morning princess," he repeated, this time more clearly, voice rough and scratchy.

Ashton giggled sleepily, pressing a soft kiss to Luke's forehead. "Good morning Lukey."

Luke whined, twisting his head around to kiss Ashton, pulling the smaller boy's body closer to his. Gently, not letting it get rough as it so often was, he parted Ashton's mouth, letting their tongues drag soft against each other.

Ashton burst out into a giggle, pulling away from Luke to press his face into his shoulder. Luke chuckled, wrapping his arms around his back, kissing the top of his head.

"What's up, sweetheart?" he murmured.

Ashton shook his head, still giggling against his skin. "Nothing, I just love you a lot."

It made a huge smile curl over Luke's mouth, because goddammit if Ashton wasn't the cutest thing he'd ever seen in his life. "I love you so much princess," he whispered back, rolling over to cage Ashton's body beneath his own.

Ashton grinned up at him, sliding his fingers into the thick mess of Luke's hair, the all too familiar glint in his eyes as he tugged Luke down to kiss him again.

Luke tried his best to keep it as sweet and gentle as he could, but with the most beautiful boy he'd ever seen underneath him, wrapping his legs around his waist, whimpering into his mouth, he couldn't help himself when he desperately tugged on Ashton's boxers, discarding both Ashton's and his own.

Ashton choked on a moan when their cocks lined up, rocking his hips into Luke's for that amazing friction. Luke moaned low in his throat, dragging his hands down Ashton's sides to spread his legs, settling between them as he reached for the lube in his bedside table.

"God princess, you're so beautiful," he murmured, eyes raking up and down Ashton's body. Ashton blushed, self-consciously wrapping his arms around his stomach, trying to hide himself.

Luke shook his head, bending down to take Ashton's hands into his own, letting himself go lower on Ashton's body.

He kissed all over Ashton's thighs, pressing his lips to every inch of damaged skin, as if he could take away all the pain behind each cut. His heart broke at the small whimper Ashton let out, though he didn't stop.

He continued upward, dragging his tongue over the thick scars left from the broken beer bottles, pressing the gentlest kiss over the one on Ashton's abdomen, the one that had killed him originally.

"I know you don't believe me," Luke murmured, settling his big hands in the curve of Ashton's waist, thumbs stroking under the cut of his ribs, "but I think you're beautiful. Absolutely, positively stunning."

Ashton bit back another whimper, reaching down to grab Luke's shoulders, pulling him up to desperately kiss him, desperately hold onto his strong biceps.

"I love you," he gasped, sucking on Luke's lipring, taking his face into his hands. "I love you, I love you, I love you, _god_ Luke I love you so much."

Luke kissed him back just as feverishly, it hitting him once again that he'd almost lost this beautiful, amazingly special boy forever. The thought made him overwhelmed for a little while, making him hold Ashton that much tighter, kiss him that much harder.

"Luke," Ashton whined, throwing his head back against the pillows. Luke took the opportunity to press his lips to the soft column of his neck, sucking bruise after bruise into the delicate skin. "Luke, _please_ , do something."

"Your wish is my command, princess," Luke smirked, slicking his fingers up in the lube lying abandoned at Ashton's hip, trailing his wet fingers down to tease lightly at Ashton's hole.

"Now is not the time for teasing you smug bastard," Ashton hissed, rocking his hips down to try and get something inside of him. Luke laughed, letting his first finger push into Ashton.

Ashton whimpered, rocking his hips down. Luke shushed him gently, slowly pushing his second finger in as well, stretching him out easily.

Pretty soon, Luke pumped three fingers in and out of Ashton, Ashton's whimpers and moans filling the room. Luke couldn't find it in himself to tell him to be quiet, the sounds he was making making everything that much better.

"Please, Luke, _please_ \- I need-"

"Sh, princess, I've got you," Luke cooed, pulling his fingers out and wiping them on his bedsheets. Ashton stared up at him with pleading eyes, hips jolting up desperately.

Luke moaned at the sight of him, quickly slicking his cock up, need coursing through his veins despite the sleep still blurring the sides of his vision.

He flipped the two of them over, until Ashton was straddling his hips. Ashton's pretty little mouth dropped into an 'o', surprise showing in his face.

Luke smirked up at him. "Ride me, princess."

That made Ashton more confident. He leaned down to kiss Luke roughly, lining himself up and slowly sinking down on Luke's cock.

This time it was Luke that pulled away from the kiss, overwhelmed at how tight Ashton was, despite the numerous times they'd done this. He panted, gripping Ashton's hips hard enough to bruise, fighting the urge to fuck up into Ashton's body.

Ashton bit his lip, struggling to adjust to the pressure of Luke inside of him, body fighting against the intrusion. Eventually, he relaxed, now used to the sensation and only wanting more.

He rocked his hips, whimpering at the drag of Luke's cock inside of him, moaning out when Luke's grip on him tightened.

"C'mon princess," Luke growled, voice strained and teeth gritted. Ashton took pride in the fact that he was the one that made Luke like that.

Ashton smirked down at him, placing his hands on Luke's chest, raising himself up before slowly sinking back down, now intent to make this as slow and sweet as possible. Luke noticed, giving him a soft smile.

"You're so beautiful," Luke murmured, hands roaming up Ashton's torso to cup his face, pulling him down to kiss him. Ashton whined into his mouth, still slowly rising and falling on Luke's cock, the pleasure and being so full making his brain fuzzy.

He pulled away from Luke, throwing his head back, clenching around Luke when he found his prostate, his mouth opening on around a silent scream.

Luke thought he looked like an angel, all golden curls and flush cheeks and red, swollen lips, honey eyes blown wide with lust. His thighs were shaking, exhaustion showing in his face and his slowing movements.

"C'mere princess," Luke murmured, pulling Ashton down to his chest, flipping them over so Ashton's back was pressed to the mattress. Ashton whimpered at the move, clinging to Luke, legs around his waist and arms around his shoulders, one hand buried in his hair.

Luke wrapped his arms around Ashton's waist, kissing him quietly as his hips started to move again, pushing into Ashton harder, deeper, but never speeding up, giving them both what they needed but keeping the same unhurried pace.

"I love you princess, you're so beautiful," Luke murmured, trailing his hand up to cup Ashton's cheek, kissing his forehead.

It reminded Ashton of just a couple of nights ago, when Ashton had dressed up for Luke, complete with black satin panties and makeup, and let Luke ravage him, working him open from the inside out, telling him he was gorgeous and loved and that he felt so good, Luke's little princess. The memory made another rush of heat fill his tummy.

"Luke!" he cried out, hiding his face in the crook of Luke's neck, missing the loving look Luke gave him, the younger boy kissing the side of his head.

"I love you so much," Luke whispered in his ear, shifting the angle of his hips to stroke directly into Ashton's prostate, stuffing him full again and again.

Ashton cried out, tightening his hold on Luke, the heat in his stomach becoming almost unbearable at this point, especially when Luke's hand slid from his cheek to wrap around his aching cock, stroking him in time with the movement of his hips.

"God you're- _fuck_ , Ashton," Luke moaned, his raspy voice nearly pushing Ashton over the edge. "Fuck- I can't- I need you to come for me sweetheart, _please_ , you look so pretty when you come princess."

Ashton sank his teeth into Luke's collarbone to muffle his scream, back arching off the bed into Luke's body as he was lost in a sea of euphoria. He whimpered, fucking himself down on Luke's cock to ride out his orgasm, lost in how good it felt having Luke inside of him.

Luke groaned, hiding his face against Ashton's shoulder, hips pushing almost brutally into Ashton as his own orgasm hit him. He spasmed, filling Ashton up all the way, collapsing down on top of him when he was done.

Ashton gave a content hum, nosing against Luke's forehead, arms still wrapped around the other boy's shoulders. "Love you Luke."

Luke grinned against his skin, using the last of his remaining energy to pull out of Ashton, not moving very far away. "Love you more, princess."

Ashton pouted, about to protest, when Luke nudged at his shoulder, rolling him to curl him up against his chest.

"Sleep," he mumbled into Ashton's hair, sounding half-way there already.

"But we're all gross and sweaty."

"We can shower when we wake up again," Luke insisted, pulling Ashton tighter to him.

Ashton rolled his eyes, though he snuggled right in to Luke's chest, kissing his sweat slicked skin.

;

Ashton padded out into Luke's kitchen wearing nothing but the other boy's clothes, skin still damp from his shower. The soft, oversized sweater hung to his thighs, the neck slipping to the side and leaving his shoulder visible, sleeves hanging inches past his hands. The hem of the sweatpants dragged across the floor when he moved.

"If you guys are going to have sex, please be quieter," Ben told him when he walked in, eyes never leaving his book. Jack snickered from beside him.

Ashton blushed, stepping around them to get to the stove, pulling out a pan and some eggs. He knew Luke would be hungry when he came downstairs.

It was times like this that made Ashton glad that Luke's family had accepted him as Luke's boyfriend with no hesitation, and that his own mother was fine with Ashton staying the night all the time.

It had been about six months since the night with his dad, six months since he'd supposedly died and then be revived by the paramedics. A lot had happened in those months.

Ashton's father had been arrested on the spot, given many years in prison for child abuse and assaulting a police officer, as he'd punched one when they tried to take him away. Ashton couldn't help but feel a tiny twinge of guilt at what his father had gotten, but at the same time he knew the bastard deserved it.

Anne, horrified with herself over leaving her son with such a vile man, took back custody of Ashton, at least until he was done with Year 12, and moved herself, Lauren, and Harry back to Sydney so that Ashton wouldn't have to leave Luke.

(Her utter love for the blond boy warmed Ashton's heart. There'd been many times that Luke was over, and he'd spent the entire time talking with Anne while Ashton dozed on his lap. Anne already welcomed him into her family with open arms.)

As for Ashton, he'd been put into therapy, dealing with the trauma of what his father put him through, as well as the depression, anxiety, and anorexia that he'd been diagnosed with.

He wasn't stupid, he knew it would be awhile until he was even remotely considered "okay", but very slowly, he was getting better. Now, he could eat a handful of fruit without desperately wanting to throw it up, plus he was a month clean. It wasn't much, but damn was he proud.

"Have you taken your medication yet, Ash?" Jack asked, jerking his chin to the small bottles of pills on the counter next to the stove. Ben glanced up as well, arching an eyebrow. They'd become extremely protective over him recently, like they were already his older brothers.

Without a word, Ashton reached his hand out, popping open the caps (with difficulty) and taking two pills out, one for his anxiety and another for the depression. He threw them both back, wincing at the awful taste left on his tongue.

He stiffened when a strong pair of arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him back into a broad, shirtless chest. He relaxed when he saw the familiar tattoos, tipping his head back to accept a kiss.

"Stop sucking face, goddammit," Jack complained, glaring at them.

Luke laughed, resting his chin on the top of Ashton's head. "Jack, we literally just barely kissed, what are you talking about?"

"Probably the fact that we heard you guys fucking not even two hours ago," Ben said dryly, sipping at his coffee.

Luke had the decency to blush, hiding his red face in Ashton's hair.

Liz took that moment to walk into the room, a fond smile curling her lips at the sight of Luke and Ashton. "Morning boys. Have you taken your medication yet Ashton?"

Ashton nodded, relaxing more into Luke's hold. "Just took them."

She nodded, looking relieved. It amazed Ashton how much the entire family seemed to love him.

"You've got therapy in an hour Ash, but other than that you're free for the day. Have some fun, I know final exams have been weighing on both of you," she winked, kissing the top of all their heads before heading off to work.

"Wanna go hang out with Cal and Mikey?" Luke murmured, squeezing Ashton tighter into his arms, pressing a tired kiss to the top of his head.

"Yeah, I haven't seen them in a week or two, let's do that."

Luke nodded, kissing his forehead one more time before ushering him upstairs to get ready.

Ashton groaned, not wanting to spend another hour in the hell they called therapy.

;

"Took you damn long enough," Michael called out to them as they walked towards him hand in hand, Calum's head on his lap, back leaned up against the tree of the park they were in. "What, did you stop to make out every five seconds?"

Ashton snorted, kicking at Michael's leg when they were in reach. "No, you asshole. I was at therapy."

Calum sat up. "How's that going, by the way?"

Ashton shrugged, letting Luke pull him down to sit across from the other two, leaning back against Luke's chest, Luke pressed back against another tree. "It's going as well as therapy can go, I guess. Morgan - my therapist - said I'm well enough to cut back to once every two weeks instead of once every week. I'm making progress."

Calum nodded, squeezing Ashton's ankle. "Good, I'm glad."

"And he's a month clean, and can handle small handfuls of fruit now," Luke smiled proudly, kissing Ashton's temple.

Michael beamed. "That's great, Ash!"

Heat stole over Ashton's cheeks, him ducking his head shyly. "It's not that much," he mumbled, playing with Luke's fingers.

"But it's still something. I'm proud of you," Luke argued.

"We all are," Calum added. Ashton smiled back at them, relaxing more into the solid warmth of Luke behind him, listening intently as Michael launched into a rant about some video game he liked, interrupted sometimes by Calum making small sounds. Ashton saw the fond way they looked at each other, and wondered when they'd get their shit together.

Luke's hands slowly slid up his shirt, not being sexual, just slowly caressing the skin of Ashton's stomach and sides. Ashton didn't flinch away like he would've just one month ago; it had taken him awhile to be comfortable with even Luke touching him there, but he was slowly getting over that as well.

Nonetheless, it made a soft smile touch Luke's mouth, another whispered "M'proud of you, princess" falling from his lips.

Ashton smiled to himself, looking from his boyfriend to his best friends. He was surprised to find he was genuinely happy in this moment, if not for a while longer.

Maybe, he mused, maybe it was a steady climb from here on out. He was making the progress he needed to, on his own. He was working on himself, for himself, by himself, and that knowledge made him proud of his accomplishments.

He was glad he hadn't given up whenever things got tough, and that he was alive right now.

He'd carry the scars of everything that happened for the rest of his life, both physically and emotionally, but he'd be okay.

He'd make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is it! this was actually one of my favourite stories i've written and it's kind of sad to see it end. but don't grey ((if you fretting)) bc i'm in the middle of writing at least 1829395959 more fics. woo, thank you if you read and liked this, i am v grateful for you.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! stay tuned for more chapters and dont forget to leave kudos/comments if ya feel
> 
> [anything said against ashton in this fic in only for the purpose of the writing. i do not agree with anything said at all.]


End file.
